“What’s happening to me?” It was five minutes until the start of class. My face felt warm, my heart beat rapidly. My vision seemed blurry, perhaps because I kept on glancing in all directions. “Why did that girl look at me like that?” “Did that guy just ‘dog’ me?”
I tried my best to look forward, but the pressure was overwhelming. I resorted to writing in my notebook while I waited for the class to start. I drew, but would glance up for fear that someone was looking at me. I wrote several times on several lines of the notebook “Fear is your only god…fear is your only god…FEAR IS YOUR ONLY GOD.”
While other students socialized, I was battling myself. The professor entered the classroom, and put away some stuff on the table next to the podium. I got up, picked up my backpack and stepped outside. On this day I was not going to be able to sit in the middle of the row. It was a necessity for me to sit in the last desk in the row so that no one would be sitting behind me.
Outside I took several deep breaths. I took out a crumpled piece of paper from my backpack which contained a prayer to san judas. I quickly read it under my breath. I entered again and found a seat that was the last seat on the farthest corner of the classroom where no one could see me. Everything is going well I thought, but the more I thought about how well I was doing the more I found myself unraveling. It was almost like my brain was telling me “…so you think you’re doing well?” I felt sweat beads forming on my forehead. I couldn’t believe it was happening again. It was cold in the classroom. Why was I sweating? I continued to look around to make sure that no one could see what was happening. “What will they think of me?” With my hand I swiped the sweat off my brow but it seemed like the floodgates had opened…the more I tried to wipe the perspiration off my face, the more it continued to happen. “What is wrong with me?” It seemed as though I could hear my heartbeat. Even though I was in the back of the classroom, in a corner where no one could see me…in a spot where only the professor could see me…if he was taller that is. I was alone, having a panic attack. I tried to gather myself. “Pinche cabron! What the fuck is wrong with you! Get yourself together,” I thought to myself. I quickly grasped my notebook with my right hand, grabbed my backpack with my left and left the classroom.
Monthly Archive for November, 2005
“Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere”
USC 50, Fresno State 42
Tonight’s game was awesome. The final score wasn’t what we would’ve liked but it showed the country the great team that Pat Hill puts on the field. Consistently the Bulldogs play BCS teams and have been successful. It took USC four quarters to put this game away. That’s how well the Bulldogs played. I hope this game will earn the program more respect across the country. Then again it may cause fear in other programs when it comes down to scheduling games against the Bulldogs. It’s unfortunate that the PAC-10 refs called a shitty game though, failing to call numerous pass interference calls on the USC defense and at one point even blocking the path of Fresno State tailback Wendell Mathis. “Move out of the way you dumbass ref!!” USC is the number one team in the country, surely they don’t need “home cooking.” Aside from the zebras USC wouldn’t even allow the Bulldog marching band to play at full force, limiting them to 60 members. Either way it was good to see the valley represent. There were thousands of fans at the LA Coliseum supporting the Dogs. I really think that the Bulldogs should move up in their ranking even if they did lose. I just can’t see how anyone can justify them dropping from their No. 16 spot. In the end all I got to say is what happened to the blowout bitches!?
I’ve been listening to a lot of Kanye West and Common lately. Late Registration and Be are great albums. They’re definitely an upgrade from all the other crap that is played out in hip hop (exceptions being Mos Def, Talib Kweli, J5 & The Roots). Don’t get me wrong, I used to listen to gangsta rap back in the day as much as the next person but it gets old quickly. Not everything has to be about bitches & hoes, and rims (“So many raps about rims, I’m surprised niggas ain’t become tires” - Common). It’s cool to hear hip hop with a social conscience.
“…I’m arguing like what kind of doctor can we fly in
You know the best medicine go to people that’s paid,
If Magic Johnson got a cure for AIDS
And all the broke muthafuckers past away
You tellin’ me if my grandma was in the NBA
Right now she’d be ok?
But since she was just a secretary
Working for the church
For thirty five years
Things supposed to stop right here…”
Kanye West - Roses
“…Wish I was free as Che was, I spend a day buzzed
Trippin on heights, wishin for nights in different flavors
The age of Kane and Big Daddy, shown by the caddies
Uncles named Larry, that never really grabbed me
My mother gave birth but she really never had me
Left to the hood to play daddy
Raised by niggas named Butch through the bay bay
With waists so they weigh they status on the streets
License plates that say they, motto This is Chicago in the hay day
Similiar to Good Times, I guess that I was Jay Jay
A skinny nigga, young girls with penny figures
So many niggas, stacked upon each other
It’s the black upon each other that we love so much
Wonder how many of us, these drugs gonna touch
Used to gangbang, ain’t really thug that much
Rather have some thick broads then the dutch to clutch
Went to school in Baton Rouge for a couple of years
My college career got downed with a couple of beers
Came back home, now I gotta pay back loans
Same nigga, same block, same shit they own
Only thing different, quicker, they click that chrome
In my defense, yo I had to hit that zone
Man to man, I’m good workin with my hands
My generation never understood workin for the man
And, of bein broke I ain’t a fan…”
Common - Be
In the last few months I’ve seen Halliburton trucks in the Bakersfield area. I think to myself, what the fuck is Halliburton doing in Bakersfield? Bakersfield has plenty of non-functioning oil wells along highway 65 and a few left over oil refineries on 99 but what is that evil corporation doing here? Pinches chupacabras!
I voted…again. I don’t know why I continue to believe in the system. Pinche Arnold and his special election. I’d much rather be playing Madden (rematch between the Raiders and the Chiefs) than to have to go to the Veteran’s memorial building (the one with a huge military tank in the “garden”) to vote. No disrespect to the veterans but you would think that they would have a peace garden or something like that. Across town there is a Veteran’s park with a huge helicopter monument where the pro-war, pro-troops, pro-Bush (all three must be included or you are unamerican) people hold rallies wearing American flag hats (tacky, but not as bad as an american flag bikini)…kinda strange when you think back to the fact that Porterville had the highest per capita death rate of any city in the country during the Vietnam war. Anywho, I digress.
I voted NO for propositions 74, 75, 76, 77.
I voted YES for propositions 79 & 80
73: I won’t say what I voted for on 73. It was a really difficult one. I literally flipped a coin on this proposition. Anywho, this proposition would require parental consent before teens can get an abortion. On one side I think that since they are teenagers and not yet adults, their parents should have some involvement. Que no? Before you come at me with “es mi vida,” I must admit that there could be some negative consequences to the passage of this amendment. Would it be more likely for pregnant teens to seek alternative abortion methods (say do-it-themselves, or go to the border?)…perhaps. I’ve always been one to view abortion as a very last resort. I think that there are some that don’t take abortions very seriously. No matter what your stand on the issue is you have to agree that abortions are very yucky procedures. I wish that parents and the church would stress the importance of contraception. No matter what, people are going to “do it” and they might as well be educated. I always hear my jefa say “En mi tiempo estas cosas no pasaban!” They’ve always happened, will happen, and always will.
74: I don’t think I’ll ever become a teacher (I’m supposed to think positive..oops) but in case I do I wouldn’t like to be on a probationary period of 5 years. I know nobody would.
79: Screw the drug companies. I am not afraid to say it but we really should have a health system like Canada’s (universal healthcare)…this is a step in that direction. Come on now, poor people are already poor and then they don’t have health insurance, they have to pay to see a doctor, and they still have to pay full price for medicine? Gimme a break!
Nurse: What’s your name?
Student: I dunno…
Nurse: Who’s your teacher?
Student: I dunno…
Principal: What classroom are you in?
Student: [Kindergarten student points in the direction of her classroom]
The entire week I have been subbing in a kindergarten classroom. The more I work with the munchkins the more feminine I become. I make the kids sing to me, I sing to them, we sing together. Aside from speaking like “Napoleon Dynamite” according to my friend’s fifth-grade class, now I tend to change octaves with the kindergarteners for some unknown reason. I catch myself speaking in a higher pitch than I normally do. For those of you that don’t remember, it is mandatory that you sing if you are in kindergarten. I don’t sing. I play instruments, I can hum, but I cannot sing. Oh well, thankfully the enanitos can’t tell. I was impressed with how these lil kids were able to memorize so many songs…I had them sing like 10 songs in a row to me. They memorized them all.
The first few days I was with a dual immersion class, consequently I had to instruct entirely in Spanish. It was strange speaking Spanish an entire day. It got to the point that later in the day I was talking to students in the playground in Spanish. They were like “huh?” (Not all students speak Spanish or are a part of the dual immersion program). In the morning there was an awkward moment when I was to lead them in the flag salute. I started to say it in English and no one followed my lead. “Mr. Verde (they named me every color from azul to amarillo), we say the pledge of allegiance in Spanish” and then proceeded to show me that they know more than I do.
I have always been hesitant to substitute in kindergarten because the kids are so helpless. They need you for everything from tying their shoes, to helping them blow their nose, to helping them open their milk in the cafeteria. These students are really dependent on you. This grows on you though and after the second day I started to like it. You look forward to working with students that are still a tabula rasa but then again its also a huge responsibility. Kindergarten teachers are responsible for setting the foundation for future learning. I don’t think I could handle such responsibility. Could you imagine if at the end of the school year none of your kids are anywhere near knowing how to read?